Roe V Wade, Feminism, and its Role in Massage Therapy

What do Feminism and Roe v Wade have to do with the field of Massage Therapy?

In my book, EVERYTHING!

Let me tell my story.

As a kid, we lived in the same household, we had so much land, but tight quarters. He always loved and cuddled and tickled his kids. He was always interrupting my self-soothing to "find out what was wrong" and eventually I was triggered whenever he was around.   He tickled me and I told him to stop but he didn’t.
He taught me to set my own boundaries, that if something didn’t feel right to just say “no” and fight back, but when I told it to him… what I received was PUNISHMENT, “go to your room”.

 As I tried to cry it out, the question was “what’s wrong” and the answer was in touch. This was not soothing touch, but him doing what he thought was best. He was busy helping instead of hearing my CRIES “dad NO, please just stop”

Tickling in my life and in my body is a trauma response. I still shout RAPE when someone tickles me, and it’s the end of our friendship.

He slept within ear shot of me and I heard things that made my head turn. Did I mumble something in my sleep I couldn’t process?  Did he call to me in his sleep or while I was awake?

“Mom don’t look at my breasts I don’t want anyone to see”

 “Stop being dramatic, we’ve seen them before”

Yes mom, that’s the point, he saw THEM and he touched me.  I told him to stop and he didn’t hear me when I “just said no”.

Whenever someone at school touched me, I was told to stop reacting. When little (name protected) threw his stick on the ground, that was not an issue, but my reaction to throw something bigger was. When (name protected) would tap my nipple, no one saw. When he screamed in pain when someone punched him in his testicles, I was the one in trouble. 

“Think about what you’re doing” he’d say “he may never be able to have children because of you.” 

“Listen dad”, I tried to say “maybe he doesn’t deserve to have children” … But I couldn’t.

Talking “back at my father” would lead to more unwanted touch, so I tried to keep it in. I’d let boys touch me even though I could have said “no” because that’s what you do when you’re a girl, you suffer in silence, you take the trauma internally because processing could mean more trauma.

  I explored my sexuality as best as I could with my father yelling “what are you doing up there?” well dad “nothing”. But I knew he wondered. He loved me and missed his little girl and I had to soothe myself all over again.

 He brought shame to me as I drew on my body, processing the trauma.  “what you got on your boobs” he’d ask, as I’d shrink to hide them away.  My body was his to ask and do with what he wants, and the responsibility was on me to hide them away.

 He knocked on my door as I tried to study, read, or relax.
 Eventually I wondered if I’d ever have sleep again, he could be coming.  I knew I had to hide. I did my best to escape as quickly as I could. I tried to focus as much as I could with the resources given to me. They did everything they knew to do and more for their kids, thanks to the limited resources they had. I created to find an outlet. But in a small town, when you’re doing important things, people want your attention.

Knocks on doors still make me run.

I can’t take the pain of unwanted touch. In a small town, neighbors talk to neighbors and they think they know who you are. They have NO IDEA the suffering I have inside of my body thanks to a lifetime of confusion, bullying, and trauma. “Your dad is such a good guy” they’d say. “great guy—I hear you’re doing massage now, what’s that about” and I’d get a knock on my door as I tried to sleep in my new house my new space, as I tried to recover again from a trauma

“It's just your neighbor Bre”, he’s just kidding, “stop over reacting”  I’d never met this stranger coming to my house before. I’m not OVERREACTING, you are not UNDERSTANDING!  I tried to heal, and my father would be at my door, ready and eager to help. Not listening when I tell him to LEAVE.  Then my mother would knock on my door; but not listening when I told her to leave.

She thought she screamed in silence, that I was far enough away that her children couldn’t hear. She wasn’t, and I heard her. Her frustrated screams would jolt me from relaxation again and I’d have to start the healing process all over again. She’d give me gifts and say “keep them as long as you’d like” so I did, to protect myself from my dad and try to heal and cry and let it out again. But I’d hear her frustration over the clutter and I'd hide again, trying to take care of myself while making myself smaller.

A lifetime of toxic codependence. “Bre, can we come over?”  No dad, you can’t I need space. But the neighbors say “oh he’s such a good guy, let him come” and he’d come, and that was welcome license in my space again.

“Hey sweetie, just trying to see what’s going on, we have things we need to discuss with you” but no Mom, what you need, is to let your well accomplished daughter grow in this world and take care of what YOU can take care of until she can process her recent anxiety. Don’t take care of things for her. She doesn’t need things. She needed space.

Because my room was so close to him, and also to her, I had insomnia a LOT!

I realized that part of my pain and the triggers I don't know if it was a dream or reality, and it was too hard for me to process.  When you lose sleep, you start to sleepwalk and distort reality, nothing seems real, and you need time to process.

I’ve had dreams or nightmares or insomnia triggered realities of abuse in my home and in workplaces. I’ve had actual grooming in my workplace because I didn’t know that it was safe to say “NO” when I first felt uncomfortable. Well I didn’t know until I DID know.

I promise you I’m not alone in my profession in my story.

I don’t know and may never know what went on in reality; here is what I do know.  He installed in me a trigger to run instead of asking for help when I experience trauma. He will never believe my reality because that is not his interpretation of what happened.

I have only ever found relief from my pain and trauma in soothing and truly caring bodywork. I can’t move forward until I look inside of myself and come out stronger, and I need to do that without the interruptions of my mother and my father. They mean well, but haven’t realized their time is done to help, and it’s time for them to help me grow.

So, I revisit again Roe Vs. Wade and what it means in my profession?

I was conditioned to say “yes” when a chiropractor offered me $40 per massage, we’re not sure how many you’ll get but you will figure it out. What they didn’t know is my value, and I wasn’t in a place to explain it to them. The earning potential isn’t there.

I have magna cum laude in one of the top schools in the country. I have taught massage therapy to my cohorts and healed my father’s bodily traumas while I suffered in silence. I have more knowledge in my GIRL brain of psychology, sociology, math, science, history, art, anatomy, pathology, physiology, and kinesiology in my index finger than you do in your entire practice.  But they don’t know that, and I may get TWO massages on a given day.

Let’s do the math shall we?  Two massages at 60 minutes each. The client expects me to have my hands on their body that full time. That means 60 minutes of trauma on my body. But wait!  I schlep the sheets I purchase from home, I drive 35 minutes to arrive, I cash them out and explain what’s happening in their body and I document the bodywork. Then I have to recharge, sanitize the room, and set the tables again.  Don’t forget I’ve got to give the sanitizer time to cleanse the entire space. Then I take the sheets home and I do laundry. That’s $80 for 120 minutes of “actual work” and you’re lucky to keep tips if they give them. 

So. What is my time worth really? 35 minutes per massage + 120 minutes of hands on time, plus at least 15 minutes per client to cash out and clean, plus about 90-120 minutes of laundry. That’s 275-305 minutes of my time for $80. That’s 4.53-5.08 hours of work for $80. For that day, I worked at best $17.66 per hour and that’s not including what it took to get there. I can’t do 6 days a week of long drives or parking crises. It costs mileage, and sheets, and energy, and processing. I keep up my licensure and credentials, I have my savings and have to navigate finances. And when I take one step with my financial plan, my father is 2 steps ahead of me.

My female cohorts suffer in silence and get no justice when they’re abused, groomed, and prodded for information. Their male counterparts are offered “$45 per massage” and they scoff and are upset and walk away. Men know their worth in this industry and women don’t.

So what does Roe V Wade have to do with my industry?

EVERYTHING,

Let me break it down. My trauma is based on GENERATIONAL ignorance. My parents reacted the best way they could and I reacted the way I could. I said “YES” to working for no money because I thought that’s what I was worth and my mother did the same. We screamed and kicked and fought because that was the toxic way we knew to show our love.  But I decided to stop the cycle. I chose a field of caring and compassion, to help others and not myself, and I said “YES” when I should have said “NO” because I was told you can’t say “NOOO” when men ask for something.

Sometimes you need your MAMA bear to give you tough love and tell you to finally stop saying yes, and start saying “NO MORE” and not just NO.

I said yes to the things I wanted in life and “NO” to the things I didn’t. What I really wanted to do grew from there. I said “no more” when I was offered $30 per massage, because the earning potential is not there. I get calls for more appointments than I can handle and more LMTs who want help than I can handle. I want to help everyone and I need room to do so. 

SO WHAT DOES Roe V Wade have to do with my industry?

Nobody sees my pain. I’ve chosen to suffer in silence and grow in public and the public responds to it. Put what you want out there and you’ll get it back in three-fold. I don’t know who said it but it’s not my quote. But it doesn’t matter, it’s a universal truth.

I keep my trauma inside so I can bring positivity to the world. I do not see another way to grow. I will not carry another human inside of me because I do not want to continue the spread of my generational trauma. I have never been pregnant and hope never to be. I will continue to do everything I can to avoid the trauma of an abortion. But if it happens, I will be strong and survive.

Put good things in the universe and they will grow, put toxicity into the universe and it will grow. If I have a child, our relationship will be toxic. We see it in nature all the time.   Plant a seed and nurture it, and it will grow.  Pay attention to the rot, and you’ve neglected the growing plant. Cut the rot and throw it away. Enjoy the beauty of nature and let it grow.

I know the trauma I have and the kind of mother I can’t be for my children. I will see my mother and father in them and will remember how hard it was for me. Just as they see me and remember how hard it was for them. The cycle stops with me. If I need to stop it when I am raped, I will stop it with a procedure. If I’m asleep and he finishes in me, I will stop it. If I’m too tired to scream “NO” I will stop that life before it is worse. 

Men in D.C. have NO IDEA the trauma I went through. How DARE they brush off my trauma as “oh boys will be boys”. They have no IDEA the struggles I went through to get here and how I will survive moving forward.

SO WHAT DOES ROE V WADE HAVE TO DO WITH THE MASSAGE INDUSTRY?

Well, everything.